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[28 Oct 2005|09:02am] |
I don't know why I care so much. It's not like even my guardians care about me (save abby). is it really so hard to keep your word? I feel so crappy. I just feel so empty because I can't feel like I'm worth anything if people can't trust me or just keep their fricken word. You know who you are. I'm so tried from everything. Tired of getting hurt. Tired of caring. Tired of being lied to. Tired of being not cared for.
I haven't wanted to kill myself in a while. Now it's looking good again. Screw promises, people don't keep them to me so why should I keep them to others? It would be over so fast though then Ihave to deal with the assholes who make me feel this way. I hate people so much righ now. Not a single one cares. I just wanna crawl into a hole and cry until I die. I just hate myself that much right now. I just wanna cry. It's not like anyone would miss me. Not for long anyway. Yeah sure they would be sad for a little while. Maybe a max of 3 weeks. After that I'm nothing short of forgotten. It's not like anyone cares. Hell I'd be surprised if anyone read this and cared to respond. I hate my powers. I hate my "friends" I hate this school. I just hate everything right now. Mostly because I'm just so upset and hurt inside, not that anyone
Matt and zach just can't seem to ever keep their word. Especially matt. I don't know why. He says he loves me and keeps trying to make me feel better but nothng he can do will help. I'm so mad at him. I just wish he would go away for a little while. Not long but just for a little while. Zach too.
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[23 Oct 2005|04:52pm] |
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I meant to write more sooner but never got around to it. i have to write about what happened thus far but now is not the time. short: in the past like few hours i've been attacked by at least 2 demons, 1 dragon multiple times. and before that many ghosts and energy vamps. Now this can't be a coincidence. Abby says i'm importnat and several groups want to control me but why...
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[10 Oct 2005|02:09pm] |
I find this ironic because it reminds me of matt so much.
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[30 Sep 2005|11:23pm] |
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I met a new ghost today. Her name is Abby. She was a witch (though good I know that) and killed during the Salem witch trials. She was killed in Marblehead via hanging. Her body never really laid to rest. I hate that this happened. She agrees with me on small minds can cause great damage. She showed me how and where she died. Hanging Dina figures 5-6 miles away from town, oak in the middle of a glade, off a semi-main road that swerves to the left you have to take a right from where it turns go a while and before the glade below the surface should be her body, I saw the bones. I left a little grave marker in my garden for her. It's the least I can do for her. Matt's none to pleased with this because she tried to possess me. Still I can’t blame Abby for doing that, scary as hell though. I mean I’m still weak with the spirit thing and I heard her but not really. I have no problem with her whatsoever doing it after I learned what happened. I wish I could do more to help though Dina says I did a great job because Abby didn’t show her any of that stuff. Hopefully they can find her body or at least put a real grave marker up. That would make me so happy to hear that. Then she could rest in peace. She was happy to hear what I would do for her and I couldn’t be happier to help her. It’s only fair I mean stupid humans. I hate people, persons I like just not people. Makes me glad I can help her PLUS she’ll keep pyralis at bay no problem. I think she likes me. I hope so. It would be cool to have her as a friend, not to mention Dina said she’s REALLY strong because she kicked Zach’s butt. I remember when she possessed me or rather tried to, I nearly couldn’t free myself. Scary but again I can’t blame her. I have no ill will towards her and actually kinda look up to her because of her strength, though now matt angry again because I said that. I think she’s cool for knowing magic and being that strong.
She showed me her death though, that angered matt again cause that sacred me. I saw the crowd and the fire and pitch forks just like the movies. A guy like Sean Connery but fat was looking at me (Abby but I was looking through her eyes) and said something then kicked whatever it was she/I was standing on and I felt the noose tighten and then it was over. She was hung in the middle of a forest grove from a very tall oak. That was creepy but again I find it very interesting because I was like there. I even saw her kids, boy and girl between the ages of 4-8. The girl was smaller than the boy I think, brown hair and green eyes, typical dress with tears running down her face as she clung to an adult’s leg. Boy I only got a glimpse had, definitely blond hair but I couldn’t tell/remember much more than that.
Zach apparently died via being thrown and trampled by a horse in Rockport. Poor Zach. Love for Zach. Mrs. Choler died about 3 blocks from my school and Carol died in Asburn grove or something to that name by in Mass… it was visible on the map when looking at Salem was about north of Salem I want to say NW it could be slightly NE.
Now before I was planning to end this here but apparently there is another ghost after me now. Messed with poor Dina. Blaze is trying to fight with him and Abby ( thanks abby) helping a lot. This guy feels a lot worse than Pyralis. A lot colder and darker. A lot darker. Like room with no windows or lights dark. He is trying to use me as a vessel but I keep tossing him out. It took a long while but Dina bound him to a kitty statue or something. I fought for the first time in astro form. Dina said I did okay. Probably projected a house cat when I tried for like a mountain lion.
Mark apparently was gone, poor guy never really noticed. Dina thinks he did make a deal with the REAL ghost mafia for my protection. Now I freaked. No idea what to really think of that. Poor Jacob got real scared during the fight. I love the kid and it’s so sad he had to witness that. Tim helped him to calm down and he gonna sleep between me and matt tonight. I no mind. I was originally just gonna let him in and boot poor matt out, lol my sweetie suggested he sleep at the end like a dog, but it would be better like this. Just like his parents used to do. Abby helped seal away the new bad ghost. Gonna help dina seal both evils away on the third along with the rest of her wicca friends and the life and after life goes on…
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| Infinately bored |
[30 Sep 2005|11:24am] |
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well life is never dull... especially when you're trying to explain to a 6 yr old why you can't control your temper. While of course not my kid he almost feels that way. I'm glad I found Jacob. He's so cute and adorable... and so much fun to have around, like a puppy. Zzch is hanging around with his equally annoying cousin. I will figure out his name mark my works... speaking of which I haven't heard much from Mark lately... Matt's been busy as the last enerty said. Mrs. Choler keep the guys in line... haven't heard much from Carol either... My life is just so weird I should tell it and have it be a TV show for primetime. Might even be a hit.
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| Second Dream |
[28 Sep 2005|07:00am] |
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Taking Over Me By Evanescence |
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I had another dream.
It was something like a party setting, reminded me ALOT of a homecoming for Iraq soliders (SUPPORT THE TROOPS!). I was following my aunt down to the part and she showed me into the spot. It wasn't extravigant, not that i'm complaining lol, just the kind you would see at a normal banquet hall. She smiled to me and let me go in, though the room was really dark. It was decorated like for my 16th birthday party and at one of the tables there was a figure in shadows, though I'd know that body anyway. I rushed over and I could actually see his face. I wrapped my arms around him as tight as I could and held on for what seemed like forever as I whispered over and over again how much I loved him and how sorry I was. I actually felt him hug me back just as tightly. Unforunately then I woke up before I could hear him in the dream say he loved me. *sigh* Oh well, hopefully I'll be able to finish the dream off tonight.
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| First Encounter |
[23 Jul 2005|05:54am] |
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Imaginary By Evanescence |
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Weird Dream.
I just woke up from a dream. I have no idea what to make of it. Matthew was in it. I could see all of him, his face, his eyes his hair, his freckles. Just as I remember him. He showed up at my door step and I remember being surprised. Why wouldn't I be right? We talked. I remember him being in my house. My sister and her friend were over and my parents around. I don't remember if they saw him or just me.
I remember hugging him alot. Kissing him, even making out. I have no idea what it means but the feelings in the dream were real, it was very vivid. It was like a dream but not. I can still hear his voice too. It was the same. I can't really remember what he said. Maybe it was I love you too. I know I did say that like 6 million times to him. He also did explain why he was there. I remember telling him 'you're dead. how can you be here?' HE might have said for me. I dont' remember that part. I remember his smile, his eyes twinkeling as the used to. Him holding him, loving me, hugging me, kissing me, touching me. Just as I wanted him to when we were alive. I remember him moving alot around the house too, granted his movements were a little hindered via me, i couldn't stop holding him. I'm so confused.
I mean, I am very happy to have had this dream. I couldn't remember his eye color anymore which was really bothering me. As as any of you know, it's my dream come true so to speak. I don't know to take it at face value, just as a dream, or something more. He would know that for the longest time I've loved him. Now anyway. Spirits can come in dreams. But why now? Was it really him in the dream, or just my subconious playing a trick on me. He outfit was the same of a picture I just found after a long time. God I wish I knew. If it was, it would make me so happy. I want to sleep now but I had to write this down first because the dream is getting more and more fuzzy as a memory. I wish I could just cry right now. I don't want to forget, even if it's just a dream.
I still love you Matt. You know I always will. You'll always be a part of me.
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